Those who know me would know I started learning music as a self-taught in 2013 and then formally with a teacher only in 2017. I’m studying it full-time at a local art college 5 years later. I’ve always dreamed of becoming a pianist. Whether professionally or just for myself.
Many people in college studying music around my age have had more than a 10-year headstart before enrolling. And because of this, I've never felt confident about my skills and struggled in class due to the steep learning curve. This also enhanced my performance anxiety. That, on top of my crumbling self-doubt and impostorism, makes everything all the harder to cope with.
But I’ve been super lucky and grateful to have met very encouraging classmates in my batch who aren’t arrogant or condescending. My lecturers are generally encouraging --except for maybe one I can think of right now. Well, that’s bound to happen.
I wanted to leave school multiple times because of the feeling of inadequacy. I burned out as I practised harder and still felt that I had failed to meet expectations. Sure, I didn’t fail any classes, but it was nothing compared to my skills.
Grades aren’t a good reflection of skills, and I still hold onto this belief very tightly. You could pass all your exams and not have the skills to learn, practice, or the knowledge to analyse and interpret a piece of music.
My college is pretty great in the sense that they often send job and internship opportunities. Some of them are internal opportunities and others are from other companies looking for an employee or intern. Even though I’m an aspiring professional pianist enrolled in Bachelor’s in music majoring in classical performance (piano), I never felt confident enough to apply to any of the pianist roles, no matter how interested I was.
‘Someone else with more than 10 years of experience would be more qualified.’
‘Anyone who plays better can have this.’
‘The organiser deserves to work with a better pianist than I am.’
And more variations of these lines. I have more.
The thing is, before enrolling on this course, I didn’t feel confident about that either. I didn’t think I would qualify. That I would pass the audition. That I see myself studying full-time as a professional pianist despite dreaming of it since 2017.
I mean, when it was time to apply and enrol in the batch of 2020, that was 3 years of private lessons since 2017. Who becomes a professional musician with 3 years of training? Don’t we all need like, 10-20 years or something?
But I passed, very, very miraculously. And I still can’t shake off the imposter. I thought I was here because someone made a mistake, or we all need someone who isn’t good to even out the bell curve. Whatever that means. No matter what people tell me about starting off self-taught and then taking 3 years’ worth of lessons versus 10-20 years of education, yet we’re all sitting in the same classroom was proof that I was capable enough. That never made sense to me at all. All I thought of was: yes, I am here. But I’m not quite surviving. They are. So what’s the point?
I mean, I know deep down, it’s not just a belief. I simply wasn’t there yet. Unable to play well enough to take on most professional gigs. I tend to need more time to learn the pieces of the level required, and I still need to hone my skills more.
So I took up everything else I was interested in instead, even if these were unrelated to that dream. And I happen to be interested in a multitude of things. I took up music composition, journalism/writer/podcasting since I could write and have audio production skills, and others that I know have given me interesting experiences.
But none of these are the type of gig I’ve always wanted to take on. Neither are these what I need to achieve my dream of becoming a professional pianist. A dream I’ve been denying for years because it seemed too impossible to reach. So I aspired to become a film composer, a journalist, a veterinarian and the list goes on. I didn’t want to teach and didn’t see myself performing either, mostly because performers have to be super skilled, and I wasn’t a fan of working irregular hours. Also, I have stage fright.
But I was wrong. I was so wrong about so many things. I guess I never learned.
The last time I took up film composition and signed up to study music composition in the same college, something felt off till I reapplied and tried my luck for the current one I’m in. I prepared for the audition in 2 months and miraculously got in—and I’m graduating next year if all goes well.
The last time I took up journalism/podcasting/writing, while it was super cool, I wasn’t exactly happy either.
The last multiple times I wanted to drop out, none of the other courses of study seemed as appealing, and I knew I would regret leaving having made it this far into my dream course. I decided to keep suffering anyway.
But something finally clicked 2 weeks ago.
As usual, the school sent emails for gigs. A pianist needed to provide live music to waltz dancers. This once again piqued my interest. I’ve been thinking about exploring this for some time to combine my passion for both music and dance. Dance accompanist. But I’ve been reading up on it. It seems too difficult. I don’t yet possess the skills to be one. I need more time to work on it.
But it’ll be cool to try it just once, to see if it’s what I want, right? After all, it’s been on my mind for about 2 years now, and it’ll be great to either try it to know if I should keep going or eliminate it.
Something in me just went off that day. I was probably not quite thinking straight since I knew it was an opportunity I didn’t wanna miss. I emailed the person in charge after mustering some courage. I also engaged a friend for moral support the whole way.
Well, it wouldn’t hurt to ask for more details to consider. It’s not like I’m applying for it already.
But when he gave me more details and asked if I was keen, my impulsive fingers typed ‘yes’ and hit send. And I got the job. No audition, no second words.
I panicked and once again contacted my friend for help. I knew I really, really wanted it. But what if I played badly? What if I get fired? What if I’m still unprepared for the performance by the next weekend?
She said the requirements seemed simple enough to be manageable for a week. That I should be fine. How hard is it to play pieces for kids? After some time, I agreed that at least that last point made sense to me. Maybe I should no longer consider chickening out of this gig or regret saying yes.
When I finally calmed down, I finally realised those were limiting beliefs. Everything I wrote above is about denying myself the very dream I want. I was actually proud of myself for taking up this gig. I had a thought of not taking up any more interesting but ‘distracting’ gigs that takes me off-track anymore. Maybe I should finally focus on what I really want. It’s long overdue.
This opportunity felt like it was presented to me after an earlier episode of crying and stressing over not being good enough in the same week. I was also stressing over the upcoming third year that started the following week (last week). It was also one of those times when I believed I wasn’t qualified enough to teach my students since I wasn’t good enough to teach them the techniques that would help them develop to become good enough musicians, whether they wish to major in this or not in future --which don’t matter to me, as long as they’re happy with their learning progress with me.
I made a list of specifically piano-related achievements, whether big or small, for me to look at whenever I feel down or need some encouragement. I’m hoping this list would help.
I practised hard last week. Just nothing but the pieces for that gig and I put away the stuff for school just for that week. I knew I would regret that, but nothing was more important than proving to myself that I could manage this gig. That I won’t get fired from this. That was my top priority.
Last weekend was the performance. While performance anxiety took over, I managed it in the end after a short break. I somehow survived it. I didn’t get fired. I played, and the kids were impressed. It wasn’t what I had hoped (and practised) it’ll be, but it was adequate for the organising team, I guess. I don’t regret prioritising that over school work now that I think of it.
It’s a major confidence boost. I’ve learned so much. I realised I didn’t have to be the version of me I wanted to be first, to qualify for jobs. There are jobs for many different levels. For example, in the case of this gig, they don’t need a concert pianist like Lang Lang to play the waltz on the piano for the kids’ show. Just because I’m not a virtuoso at it yet, doesn’t mean I’m ‘worthless’ if I were to apply or get hired for jobs.
Maybe I’m mediocre, but that’s probably all someone else needs to get the job done. Maybe that’s better than having no one get the job done at all, I don’t know.
And maybe, just maybe, I’m a bit of a perfectionist, more than I realise or admit—but only when it comes to this very thing since I have very specific goals for it.
But why was it that I was more than willing to take up these other interesting stuff even though I’m more of a rookie at it? Why does the barrier of entry and stake seem lower to me?
To share an analogy from my friend who shared this when I wanted to drop out at the start of last year: when you’re hungry, you can eat a cake (yes, we can do that okay we’re adults). But after one cake, you probably can’t eat another, even if it’s the same cake. The starting point is different. One, you’re hungry. The other, you’re already full. Things get harder because you have a different starting point. The higher you climb, the more you feel that there is no end.
The more you know, the more you know what you don’t know. I think this piece of wisdom summarises what I’ve been feeling for the past 2 years.
I now think it’s dumb to deny myself of the very thing I want most, and took up everything else instead thinking it’ll be more achievable. Just to realise becoming a professional at anything at all is just as hard. (Self-insert: we’re all here to suffer in a multitude of ways, might as well pick your suffering).
But all I know is,
I’ve let my self-limiting beliefs hold me back for WAY too long.
I can still explore things outside of what I want, but I should not deny myself of the things I want anymore and stay off-track.
There are jobs for you, even if you’re not the version of you that you wish to become right now. Yes, I’m not the pianist I’ve always aspired to be yet, but that doesn’t mean I suck or am terrible, just because I’m probably mediocre or less.
A reframe in the mindset that I recently came up with: instead of thinking about how much more there is to climb, how difficult the climb is and me being not good enough for it, I could think of it this way instead: the amount of learning materials is so high that I am able to spend a lifetime on it and not ever run out of things to learn. That sounds much more interesting and feels a little more encouraging.
I refuse to believe that the old saying ‘those who can’t do, teach’ isn’t true. If they can’t, how will they help their students? Perhaps it’s true to some extent, but…how true is it, really?
I’ve ever wanted certain jobs for their sexy, impressionable, cool titles. Because piano teachers don’t sound cool enough. It’s too typical, too conventional, and too many people that I know either want or already have it. And I already am one. I wanted more, and though there’s nothing wrong with wanting more, the reason for wanting those other things aren’t healthy.
I also wanted to combine many of my interests into a job I think I’d like but failed to recognise that not everything I love has to be in a single job, or a job at all. I can enjoy other interests outside of work as well.
I slowly started seeing myself doing accompaniments for both musicians and dancers and becoming a professional pianist, even in non-conventional or widely known career paths.
I still have a lot to learn whether as a teacher, professional musician, or even one that I can say now— an aspiring accompanist. I’ve definitely exchanged everything I have so far with hard work, not talent, and I will keep going at that, even if this isn’t enough yet.